5 things I'm glad I know at 30.

1) I'm not a lesbian. Despite the fact that in society it is common nowadays to burn the match at both ends, I'm relieved to know and trust the fact that I, in fact, am attracted to men. It saves a lot of time and helps in discerning which people you like as friends, which people you like as more than that, and which people you would have sex with if the only life remaining on earth was them, a cactus and rabid dog.

2)Being drunk actually sucks. Having spent most of my youth drinking or during a hangover, I've come to the realization that being drunk is not much fun. You smell like gutter, you act dumber than a doorknob and you are prone to either being easily offended or never offended - which can prove a problem in both instances: either you accuse people of grabbing your ass when they say hi, or they grab your ass and you say hi and nothing more.

3)I actually care what my parents think. I make my breakfast in the morning, pay my rent, dress up my daughter, take her to school, wash my own dishes, solve my own problems, do my own laundry, and sleep with the people i see fit. But if my parents tell me to do or not do something, the least I do is stop and think about it. Yep.. I'm a hot turd, and proud of it.

4)Plants and pets need water. My daughter learned to speak a lot, fast and often. The reason was that if she didnt ask for something by name, chances were I'd change her diaper 6 times and give her milk 4 times, when in fact all she wanted was a toy. Plants and animals are not lucky enough to posess adjustable vocal cords, so instead they give you signs: plants get yellow, pets pass out. Unfortunately, unlike a child, by the time this happens it's probably too late. I'm glad that I've observed this in my vast travels throughout the world.

5)When you talk to yourself in the subway, making faces to play it off is not any better. Many times I remember a joke, or wonder what it'd be like if i start running around the car yelling "this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shiiine", and i cant help but smile, only to notice that the people in the train are looking for the nearest exit. I used to try to play it off by pretending my nose was itchy, or i had facial paralisis. I am glad that I understand that this doesn't work, because at my age, I should have settled down to talking to myself in my car, while I pick my nose at the traffic lights.