Whatever is left of my "sailors" and I have landed in an island we've decided to call San Salvador, though such a cheesy name isn't meant to last two months among these people.. I'll bet they come up with something difficult to pronounce like Ba-ha-ma or something like that. But anyway, the people here seem nice enough, Rodrigo de Triana managed to get a bj from one of the locals already, and they've given us food and shelter, since some idiot actually forgot to tie up Santa Maria.. I had to send 12 men to go swim after the ship and bring it back, and believe me, if it was up to me I'd lose the ship and have them all drown.
If I die from syphilis or any of the other diseases so rampant in my ships, whoever finds this diary please tell my dear queen Isabel that she is a f*cking moron for sending me out with these inmates. Retarded monkeys could have been more useful. Half of them died getting ON the ship when we left Puerto de Palos! it's a goddamn miracle we've made it this far! but I digress.
Back to this place. I do believe this may be, in the future, a good tourist destination. I have noticed that in European cities women cover their mammaries and consider virtue a sacred thing. Here, the women go around naked wearing nothing but a string buried in their crotches, and are so gullible that half the sailors have gotten to finger them pretending thats the way we say hello. I think European folks like myself would pay sacks of gold for this kind of environment. Seriously, it may be the heat, but summer in the canaries can surely get as hot as this and I've never seen women wear this thing.. less than a thing.. a thong.. yeah, I think I'll keep that name... Thong.
So another thing that I've noticed is that these people are wearing some gold around their necks and ears, which seems strange since the Vatican hasn't smelled it yet. Perhaps it's a new kind of gold, but in any case, I think I'll take a few samples and a few of these guys to wear it so the pope can get a sniff and follow it home, that way we can use him as a guide and get straight here on the next voyage. "Next Voyage?" you say? well of course.. I like it here and all, and hope to come back soon, but I am leaving to Spain the day after tomorrow: if I get bitten by one more mosquito I think my calves will explode. Besides, I miss my wife. These women here may be hot and all, but they don't know shit about washing men's stockings. Maybe I'll take one or two to teach them how to do that too.
Till next time..
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